LYDIA

My aunt gave me a birthday present. It wasn't even my birthday, but she does that, she gives presents when she sees you, not on the date, because most probably she won't be there on the exact date, but she always thinks of you whenever she sees the ideal present. She is not tall, rather short and fatter than thinner. She used to have a very nice figure, always fashionable my aunt. After her first divorce she was still young and glamourous. She would hang out with my cousin, twenty years younger than her, and his friends, many of who fell deeply in love with her. She didn't have a dull personality as her sisters did. She was charismatic, beautiful, wordly, she had read, and travelled, she was so beyond what many twenty year old girls were, that in comparison these boys were dazzled by her joy de vivre. But she was forced out of her sister's house by the husband, a typical hypocrite who disapproved of her "scandalous" conduct.

She had to find a job. And she did, quite successfully. She started out as a sales agent at a handcraft store and soon she had it under her charge. She was even commissioned to open a new store at Cancún, where the new frontiers were being opened. And there she went, all alone, by herself, to seek adventures and a completely new life.

And did she found one! She opened the new store and she made it flourish. She also dealt with the artisans directly and found out about many injustices. She decided to open up her own store, she already knew what was needed. She was again, successfull, she knew the ropes of the trade. And then it was love's turn to knock at her door. It came in the body of a 30 year old, when she was already 50. He was perfectly shaped, educated, cultivated, innocent and fresh in the artistic and commercial environment. They made a perfect couple. That is, until 11 years later, after living together, when she found out evidence of his sexual preferences, he was gay and it broke her heart. She sold store, flat, car and came back to the place she had ran away more than 20 years ago. Now she has a pristine and dinky house in a nice and clean neighbourhood in Metepec, away from her sisters, and not from a nephew who comes and visits her often. She is alone with her dog, her memories, her pieces of art and her photographs.

Now she wears typical Mexican clothes, always beautifully embroidered and in the best fabrics, she wears according turqoise and silver jewelry and she loves buying presents for the people she loves. I'm lucky, she loves me. We are fond of each other.

WHY?

I didn't know the answer. Which teacher knows all the answers? I know we would love to, but we don't. Sometimes kids ask things because they are curious, sometimes to test us, sometimes because they really want to learn further and then we don't know. The most difficult question is usually posed by our own children, when still very young, the eternal and ever sprouting "Why?" And that is the same question I keep asking myself about life in general: "Why?" Why did he leave me? Why do I still care? Why do these things happen to me? Why can't I forgive? Why has life developed as it has? And yet, sometimes I think life is too good and wouldn't change a thing of its deviations, sometimes I am so sorry how it has developed, I feel that I have lost so much time, but then again I'm not sure. Back when I was twenty I wanted to be a writer and came to the conclusion I had nothing to write about, so I devoted myself into reading some other writer's experiences and way with words. Now I have the experiences and here I am, complaining because I had them. Maybe I should stop complaining and start developing the stories.

No, I don't have all the answers, those who think they do are still young and arrogant, I know, I thought so, I was. And, between us, I don't think I'd like to have all the answers, it's quite entertaining watching where things come from and where they will take us.

DRIVING TO WORK

She drove to work. Every morning she would step on her red Tracker and drove up to the laboratory in the middle of the higway. There she would show her teacher ID and park her car. At night she would show again her ID and pick up her Tracker.

Early morning she would climb downstairs and her red Tracker was already there, out from the garage waiting for her. It was part of the duties of the gate keeper to have the cars ready for the flat owners. She loved the sound of the engine when she turned it on, it was like a brief and wild good morning. She would then see her just made up eyes, still perfect on the rearview mirror, and she would step on the accelerator. She loved speed, although she was a bit anxious about it, it was like a game for her. After the extremely slow street where she lived, a block from a school, she would increase the speed through the long avenue which connected the city to the highway. Again the bottle neck there due to many people commuting made her decrease speed, but she knew this and instead of going mad shouting or getting desperate she would turn on the radio and laugh at the commentator's silly jokes or sing along to the eighties songs set on the same station. She would look then at the soft and pale morning colours, at the evergreens surrounding the highway, at the tall skyscrappers being constantly built, at the people waiting for buses that reached further into suburban neighbourhoods, at the... HONK!!!!! Oops, again caught in reverie. She woke up and fixed her sight on the cars and the highway, no more bottle neck, full highway speed, not a vertical though, this was the exciting part, this was where she felt the air running through her hair as she swerved on the curves to take the verticals again. And soon the lab was to be seen, waiting patiently and tall.

At night she came back to her red Tracker. She would put her books, her lap top and her recorder in the back and she would walk to the front seat tired, sleepy and hungry. She looked at her eyes on the reareview mirror, smeared rimmel and mascara. She stepped on the accelerator and watched the soft hues of the sunset, the yellows, the purples, the greys, the bright glow of the sinking sun. Them slowly, the lights would start sparkling from the small houses in the highway, from the lamp posts, from the twinkling stars above. Again the bottle neck, cars coming back and into the city. The air was cool, the night was calm. No need for speed. Soft music would come from the CD in the car. Soon the trees and the the grass turned into concrete sidewalks and houses first, then the school, the hospital, the subway station, the street to her house and the friendly gate keeper, ready to open the garage with a kind, "Good night, Miss X. Another hard day?"

CABAÑUELAS - THE FIRST 12 DAYS

It is a Mexican tradition to believe that the weather in the first twelve days of January will reflect the weather of each month. I have carried this tradition further, like a forecast of my life during the year. I like traditions and superstitions and forecasts to be calm or... if I don't like it, to change it, hehe. Well, here we have the predictions for each month according to the day. I'll try to make it short

1st - JANUARY

Cold. Day spent with Mum and daughter. Went to the movies to watch "Sherlock Holmes". No news from Sean.

2nd - FEBRUARY

Colder. Again day spent with Mum and Ame. Watched movies on TV and slept over at Mum's. 1st text from Sean in 2010.

3rd - MARCH

Cold, rainy. Breakfast at Mum's. Lunch at bro's. Dinner and Rosca de Reyes at Maru's. I got a sleeping baby.

4th - APRIL

Cold. First class of the 2010 at Carlos's. Ame and I at home.

5th - MAY

Cold. Ame and I at home. We had Rosca de Reyes at my place. We both got a lilac baby each.

6th - JUNE

Cold. Late breakfast at Mum's. More Rosca, no babies, I got a fire and Mum a pine tree! Ame returned to her Dad.

7th - JULY

Cold and rainy. Finally chatted with Sean again! Lovely! Ame came after school.

8th - AUGUST

Colder, rainy. Sean cancelled our chat. Mum picked up Ame at school and I went there straight from Carlos's.

9th - SEPTEMBER

Colder, rainy. Sean cancelled again. Ame stayed with me. Couldn't sleep well.

10th - OCTOBER

Coldest. Wrote Sean a message asking for an explanation early morning. All day waiting for a reply. Ame was here when I got it. Not nice. He hadn't signed the final divorce papers. Broke my heart.

11th - NOVEMBER

Terribly cold. Terribly down and depressed. Carlos was nice and funny. Ame came to visit me from school.

12th - DECEMBER

Cold. Decided I didn't care about Sean's situation after talking with Mirtha who told me why should I care if anyhow he lives across the ocean. Wrote him I missed him and loved him and never to let me alone in this world. Happy again.

CONCLUSIONS: I'm demented.

WHAT ON EARTH IS LOVE ABOUT?

And yesterday I got a message from Sean in FB telling me he hadn't signed the final divorce papers because he had chickened out. Quite out of context I know, but striking. I felt cheated, disappointed, sad, broken hearted and everything a good Romance heroine should feel before the great obstacle. The question is to forgive or not to forgive.

Many were my reactions --I thought about sending him directly to hell, to be mean and make him suffer and pay each and everyone of the tears I shed for him, to accept his apologies only under certain conditions, to accept him without delay or any further explanation or... or. And then I remembered. I cheated on him and I didn't tell him, I even enjoyed it, I even provoked it. Who am I to point at him and look down at him? After all he told me the truth, not exactly on time, but he did. He risked everything we have (whatever that might be) by telling me the truth which I asked for in the first place. They say that if you can't resist the truth better not ask for it. I cried, yes, I suffered, yes, but...guess what? I didn't die. And guess again... I still love him, or the idea of him loving me. Am I generous or on the contrary plain selfish? Do I love him or do I love him loving me? He has been in contact, desperate and quite lonely. He is suffering and I am glad, not because he suffers, but because he is not a cynical man who said, "So there, take it or leave it." He really does care. And I don't want him to suffer, but I need to know what I need. Is love related to what one needs?

Ana says I shouldn't take any drastic decision, that I should keep the friendship, but try and go out with some other guys here in Mexico. She might be right. Would I like him to do that? I know I am not in the best moment to take any decision because I am in my period and I don't think clearly, I react. I have to wait to be less passionate and more rational. In the meantime I write and talk. As Luz Aurora used to say, "The more I explain, the more I understand." And I do, I'm getting the whole picture, or well, maybe just a glimpse. I miss Seany, but I was growing dependent on him, I need to know if I really love him and for that I need to touch him, I need to be without him for a while to see if I can live by myself. I need to be happy with who I am before being happy with anybody else. I have removed the earrings he gave to me and now I am wearing my golden loops with pearls that my aunt Lydia made for Ame. I need to be available, but not 100%, I need to have a life of my own and not a life spinning around him, ordered to suit his moods and schedules. I need to love myself in order to love him even more.

I miss him terribly. I want him back now. I want to sleep hugging him tightly, snuggling and cuddling warmly and lovingly.

I can't hide the fact that our relationship is mostly based on fantasy and that maybe, when we finally meet, we won't stand each other and all this love will be a wonderful joke. That's a possibility. I know I can't stand how much he depends on the acceptance of people, I know I am too selfish. There will be things he won't stand about me. Will this love survive? Will this turn out to be real love or just a fantasy made to survive some hard years?

Once again, stay tuned.

THE BEST AND THE WORST

Last year, my then young lover gave me a simply red card written in black ink saying, among other things "May next year be full of success and failure". It was a bit shocking for me reading someone wishing me failure so when I asked him what he meant or why he wished such a thing, he answered, "So you may learn and grow up." The year that started then, last year, was not easy, it was full of changes in my personality, I had to accept many things I was not exactly mad about. This year I had learned a lot, not everything, but enough to learn to be humble and continue expecting more successes and more failures. This year was stabler than last. I had not so many men jumping into my bed, not so many plans scattered all around. I focused on one man and on one plan. My plan was on finally finishing my thesis, so I quit my job and launched my new business, Briathar Language Group not as an extra income, but as THE income and it worked. I was able to support myself and my share of my daughter's, independence was huge and tasty. I had more time for my thesis, university and the General Hospital visits, and of course for my man. I don't know what is going to happen between Sean and me. We are stable, we take our time to share and even though there were critical moments, as he put it one day, "We still persevere." Influenza was decisive in my failures this year. Since then things started going down, although not immediately. The final coup was given when Liz and Alex decided to end their classes with me. I have not yet recovered from that stroke. However, I finished my thesis and started to plan on a masters on Creative Writing for next year in England, at East Anglia. Lately money has not been flowing exactly and my mother has been helping out of her own will. I have asked for help twice, but I have managed quite well on my own, I have learned the importance of things and not to strive fo futile stuff. Who am I kidding? I know that, as soon as I have money flowing again I will start spending as I used to, but maybe not. Who knows? Who cares? Life is unpredictable and that is what I have learned. I used to depend on controlling situations, but life and Sean have taught me otherwise.

A CHRISTMAS GIFT

The last class at Cuajimalpa, Blanca invited me for dinner. I accepted because it had been a tiring day and I was hungry and the food smelled simply delicious and Blanca's family is terribly kind. We had a nice dinner and then, just about leaving, she asked me whether my daughter was spending Chistmas with me. She wasn't, but in that moment I decided to see things in a positive way and answered, "No, she isn't, but I plan to enjoy the Christmas I am spending, I still have my mother and my brother is still single and I plan to enjoy both of them while I still have them." Later on Mau organized a Christmas supper at my flat, only he, Fer and me. He made a toast starting, "We don't know where we'll be in a year, but right now here we are and I want to thank you for being more than my friends, my family..."

Just a day before Christmas Eve my mother called, all flustered because she had had a hard day, practically demanding me to go and help her cook and then go to church with her. I couldn't do both things, either help and get all greasy or get ready for the Lights Service. She chose the Lights Service. But she wasn't very nice, she told me she had to come and pick me and then I would be there without doing anything at all and that hurt me, I told her I wouldn't go then and she told me she was just too tired, we did have a fight, but then again I thought what Mau had said, "We don't know where we'll be next year" and I decided to go and spend Christmas Eve with her. It turned out to be a very jolly Christmas Eve. My cousins asked if they could spend it with us and my mother agreed. We even played games! I received my text from Seany and I was very happy. We didn't go to church and I thought that nobody mentioned what we were celebrating, but then I thought again, we received the gift of life, of faith and love. My cousins are orphans and they have the luck to have a loving aunt and cousins who gladly and happily receive them to spend Christmas Eve with, I learned that the future is unpredictable and became tolerant because of that, instead of mourning not having my girl with me, I realized what a lonely Christmas Eve her father would have spent had I insisted on her spending it with me who was surrounded by so many loving people.

My brother spent scarcely an hour with us on Christmas, and when I asked why he said ,"Claudia, things change, don't grip to the past." And he is right. We are getting ready for things to change. I know next year he will probably be married and spending Christmas with his wife and maybe I will be in England and my mother might go there or maybe it will be my cousins turn to receive her in their home. Who knows what the future will bring? But I'm sure about something, there will be love, and life and faith. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!