WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Well, actually, everything, or maybe nothing, or maybe I should ask, whose love, love towards whom? It all started last night -my first 24 hours after the histerectomy. My best friend called to check on me. When I mentioned my mother had gone to the supermarket for the groceries he blurted out angrily, "Wait, what? Wasn't your lover supposed to go?" He was right, he had offered, I hadn't asked. "He cancelled," I answered matter of factly. It's not the first time he does, and I suspect not the last. My friend was furious. He was all against me because I do not respect myself by getting angry and demanding my place. I tried to soften the conversation by justifying him saying our situation was hard. You see, he's -not married- he has a long-term couple and a daughter, so our relationship is not legal, not well seen by society. I am not as romantic as I used to be as to say, "but we are in love". I can't tell about him, but I know I am definitely not. Of course I have feelings for him, he is dear to me, I like him and I enjoy our sex life, very much -being without attachments is quite liberating. At first it used to be frustrating because I was so used to be demanding, but then I started to get used to, so I don't mind. I am not jealous because he doesn't have to be loyal to me, nor I to him. I used to reserve Fridays for him, but then he started cancelling Fridays, so now I do whatever I want. I can go out with my very demanding mother, my friends, my daughter, be on my own ... pretty much what I used to, with the benefit that occasionally we have sex. I just have to stop hoping as a woman. That is, I have to make it quite clear that I really don't want a commitment, I know this relationship will come to an end, I already learned that lesson, I know it will hurt and I know I'll get over it. But he insisted on me demanding my place. Which leads us to the issue of love to whom? Why is it that love to ourselves has to be manifested by marrying? Psychology articles on love I've read on Psychology Today always lead to love between married couples and how to save marriage. Usually, the lover is depicted as a low self-esteem person. Maybe. My mother makes it very clear that she prefers my brother, so I am used to be second best. But, I get a very good part of the relationship. I get to have his good humor. Although he might fret about his day, I don't have to deal with it. He is nice with me even when he complains. I don't have to keep a clean house for him to arrive. My house is mine and I keep it as I wish, I don't have to negotiate anything, neither the color of the walls, nor what to shop, nor what tv channel to watch. I don't have to go to family reunions, I don't have to bring anyone to my family reunions. I don't need a father for my daughter -she has hers and I can get together with my friends whenever I want to. I can get up early and run on weekends -or not. I can watch all the corny movies I want and I don't have to sit through boring car films or stupid sports eating garbage trying really hard -and unsuccessfully- to get interested.
Sure I get lonely, sure some nights I wish he was there to lie my head on his chest, sure I wish sometimes for him to be waiting outside my job or my home to take me wherever. It has happened. I had the husband, I played the excellent wife role and I was unhappy, sad and even more lonely than being in a love-affair relationship.
I can see that most people won't agree with it and I agree with them. They don't have to agree. I know, because I've been there, that marriages doesn't always end well. I know I am not an example to follow. I know young people will be easily disappointed because I am an example of marriage failure. Ok, so my marriage was a failure. And it left me no will to try again, but it didn't close my will to try the paraphernalia. It's like the sun. Warm early sun in the winter is welcome, it's sweet and timid and caressing. Noon sun is disgustingly sticky. I don't want that.
I choose not to be in a marriage or full time relationship because I was in one and I am not material for that. I don't mind someone smoking in my house for a few hours, but I wouldn't live with a smoker. And I know many men don't mind mess for a few hours or while they wait for you, but they would hate living with it without picking a thing. Many couples go astray when the couple becomes families and friends mingling.
What I would really like is a boyfriend living in his own house, maybe this same guy, without the family issue. I love a guy who makes me smile and laugh out loud, who takes me for pizza and beer and sometimes to really nice restaurants, someone who is creative, someone who compliments me each time he sees me on something different, someone who always finds something surprising in me and tells me, who shows me around proudly, who surprises me, who listens to me and acts accordingly, who has enough money and a car of his own, someone who cares for himself and is clean, well smelling, with shiny white teeth, who drives carefully, who is gentle, who is pleasing to me, who feels curious about my family. The man I want is not real and real men are boring or are taken.