Last night I had a nice encounter with myself. It was Ame's birthday party. I felt so alive watching so many young kids for a second I wanted to be so young again. For a second only. Then I witnessed how one of them was walking gracelessly in her high heels. I then saw another girl crying and surrounded by her friends. Then Alma sad, "Look! One of them is crying! What might have happened?" I answered back, "Only one thing could have made her cry now: she broke with her boyfriend." But good thing was in a few minutes they were making up again. I felt happy for being me, for being my age. I know how to walk on high heels for a long time with grace and without having aching feet, I no longer cry for boys, I no longer wake up with shameful pimples on a paty day, I no longer fear what people may say or the future. The future is finally now and it is so much better than I thought it would be.
I know, being divorced doesn't sound like the ideal future. Being apart from someone who hurt me badly is. Being able to pick my life where I left it is. Being able to know I walked through the fire and came from the ashes is. Being able to see my daughter dancing gracefully and happily all night is. Knowing that life does NOT end at 40 is great! Knowing that there is love after love is. Knowing that I can have a one night stand and no parent is going to kill me is. Being able to come home at 1.00 and saying, "Oh, it's still early, I need Mau" is. Having my own flat is. Deciding how to spend my own money is. Writing here instead of doing home chores is. Knowing Sean loves me across the ocean and knowing he's coming some day is! Having been afraid of last night and having had the guts to go and having come out gloriously is! Having been able to cross the room to say good-night to Rafael is. Having locked myself in the bathroom to dance wildly is!
Certainly this is not the future I had expected, this is so much better!
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