CRAVINGS

Lately I discovered I had put on weight. I was worried, not about weight, but about my clothes not fitting. During the past three years I've been up and down the scale with terrifying speed. I was even on a diet to gain weight after none of my clothes fit. On one side I felt gorgeous, like a runway model, but on the other I missed filling my clothes and the lack of whatever I was lacking showed on my hair, my skin and my nails. I started filling up. I thought, "Mm, so if I am underweight I should eat well and might even overindulge once or twice." Now I'm over-filling my clothes and I don't like that either. I started thinking what I did to lose weight the first time and I realized I was so sad and then so happy I simply didn't care for food. Then the thought of not being able to fatten started me on the eating track, and one day I had a craving for bread, but luckily there was none. I thought, "Am I really hungry? I just ate, and it was very satisfyng and I'm really not hungry, I just have a craving." But the key was that I was not craving for food, but for company, I was craving for sex, not wild and unridden, but kind, soft and loving. I am eating on an impulse, not because I'm really hungry, but because I'm really lonely. So, that stops my "hunger". I generate my endorphines with moderate exercise, with work, with writing, with friends, and of course with Sean, whom I miss most, for whom I crave, he is what I really crave for, for his company, his touch...