Esta rumia es lo que me hace escribir
esta intensidad es lo que me hace sufrir
y sin ellas no soy nada
alguna vez intenté la sanidad
veía todo con claridad
No había gran sensualidad
Todo era banalidad
y escribía de hechos, de causalidad
horas y fechas
con disciplina pristina
y entonces dejé de escribir
Monday, 28 July 2014
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
MALDITO SILENCIO O MAU TENÍA RAZÓN
Cuando una se alimenta de palabras, qué difícil es soportar el silencio.
Es como un síndrome de abstinencia, como un proceso fuerte de desintoxicación.
Puede llevar al total desapego.
Pero mientras tanto produce incertidumbre y desaliento.
Es como un síndrome de abstinencia, como un proceso fuerte de desintoxicación.
Puede llevar al total desapego.
Pero mientras tanto produce incertidumbre y desaliento.
Friday, 11 July 2014
THE BACKGROUND STORY
So far I've known quite a lot of adulterers really. I thought I had met only two, but actually I have dated two, I slept with another, my ex was another and even my father was another. So this gets interesting. When I decided to date the first one I was thinking on the experience, on the investigation, on the learning that was behind him and what could make me really fall for him. I didn't. Not for the first, but for the second. It's interesting because I was starting to weave a background net to explain their behavior, but realizing that there had been others made me question this. Not all their stories are the same... so far. Maybe I should still research into their hearts. There must be something.
Initially I had thought this was related to their mothers and fathers. At least sample 1 and 2 had similar stories in that sense. But, when I realized my father, my ex and my first one-night stand could also be considered study cases I was not so sure.
Let me lay my case.
There are five study cases:
father
daughter's father
one-night stander
sample 1
sample 2
Let's avoid names.
Based on mothers and fathers there must be something I ignore about my grandparents because there was a solid relationship. It was not exactly tender, they had their frictions, but they remained together till the end and my grandfather never betrayed my grandmother nor her him. There was no real mistreatment, just a lot of bullying from my grandfather and a lot of holding from my grandma. Mhm!
Daughter's father: Again his parents were a solid couple. As a matter of fact an exemplary one. The father there supported his wife through Alzheimer's until her death and although it was excruciating and he occasionally complained, he never thought about quitting and he looked after her tenderly. His wife was jealous and could be infuriating, there were plenty of anecdotes, but he was the most handsome man for her.
One-night stander let me see through his story through a couple of comments he dropped by when I wanted to see him for a second time. He rejected a second encounter with the argument that he couldn't be the man his father had been. He couldn't do to his children what his father had done to him and his siblings. He never mentioned his mother, he just had this deep rancour against his father. He also resented his wife. He had to stay with her because she "got pregnant". Like magic, I guess, spontaneously. I'm sure he was wearing a condom, he insisted in wearing one, but she was just mean. Aha. I am being sarcastic.
Sample 1 mentioned a father who used to hide in hotels with women other than his mother, more than once. Sample 1 once caught him and it was not nice, he talked about it in a funny-sad kind of voice. He loves his mother deeply, and she is terribly sick and now old. Still living with his father. He feels very deeply for her. He talks about her with all the tenderness he is capable of, and that is not much. He resents his wife, they don't have much of a relationship any more, in any level. That's what he says. That's what they always say.
Sample 2 is the one who has talked more about his past. Sample 1 and One-night stander were sincere with me from moment 1. One-night stander had his children on his screen on his desk and he told me openly he was married. Sample 1 told me he was married and he only wanted to have sex with me. One-night stander happened and it was wild and passionate. Sample 1 was accepted after I carefully thought about the experience. It happened and even although it was not completely accomplished, it was pretty good. Sample 2 was more manipulative and a bit mean in all his charm. Sample 2 appeared out of the blue and after four dreamy dates he decided to confess he lived with someone and that he had a daughter. He seemed really sad. He was never mean about his wife, he was just visibly bored and he said he didn't plan to leave her because they had lived many things that attached them, he didn't promise me anything, he didn't offer me anything, he just wanted a relationship, he even said we could leave sex off, he said he was very happy with me, just chatting. It ached me to see his attitude. This is the first time I actually care for the wife. Sample 2 is more complex than the others. He has me hooked in many levels. His father left them for another family and it seems the off spring of both women even mingled. He hated his half-brothers and he punched them constantly. He witnessed a weakened mother who was left alone to struggle to make ends meet and raise three children. He had to work to study a career and he has succeeded, but he feels hatred for his father. He seems confused about what he wants. He doesn't want to brake anyone's heart, but I'm afraid he is just collecting hearts to brake, including his. It feels as if he is ready to flee any minute. He just wants to leave everything and start afresh somewhere new. Right now I'm not so sure he is so mean as I was when I started writing this. I must confess complexity is quite attractive for someone like me.
Initially I had thought this was related to their mothers and fathers. At least sample 1 and 2 had similar stories in that sense. But, when I realized my father, my ex and my first one-night stand could also be considered study cases I was not so sure.
Let me lay my case.
There are five study cases:
father
daughter's father
one-night stander
sample 1
sample 2
Let's avoid names.
Based on mothers and fathers there must be something I ignore about my grandparents because there was a solid relationship. It was not exactly tender, they had their frictions, but they remained together till the end and my grandfather never betrayed my grandmother nor her him. There was no real mistreatment, just a lot of bullying from my grandfather and a lot of holding from my grandma. Mhm!
Daughter's father: Again his parents were a solid couple. As a matter of fact an exemplary one. The father there supported his wife through Alzheimer's until her death and although it was excruciating and he occasionally complained, he never thought about quitting and he looked after her tenderly. His wife was jealous and could be infuriating, there were plenty of anecdotes, but he was the most handsome man for her.
One-night stander let me see through his story through a couple of comments he dropped by when I wanted to see him for a second time. He rejected a second encounter with the argument that he couldn't be the man his father had been. He couldn't do to his children what his father had done to him and his siblings. He never mentioned his mother, he just had this deep rancour against his father. He also resented his wife. He had to stay with her because she "got pregnant". Like magic, I guess, spontaneously. I'm sure he was wearing a condom, he insisted in wearing one, but she was just mean. Aha. I am being sarcastic.
Sample 1 mentioned a father who used to hide in hotels with women other than his mother, more than once. Sample 1 once caught him and it was not nice, he talked about it in a funny-sad kind of voice. He loves his mother deeply, and she is terribly sick and now old. Still living with his father. He feels very deeply for her. He talks about her with all the tenderness he is capable of, and that is not much. He resents his wife, they don't have much of a relationship any more, in any level. That's what he says. That's what they always say.
Sample 2 is the one who has talked more about his past. Sample 1 and One-night stander were sincere with me from moment 1. One-night stander had his children on his screen on his desk and he told me openly he was married. Sample 1 told me he was married and he only wanted to have sex with me. One-night stander happened and it was wild and passionate. Sample 1 was accepted after I carefully thought about the experience. It happened and even although it was not completely accomplished, it was pretty good. Sample 2 was more manipulative and a bit mean in all his charm. Sample 2 appeared out of the blue and after four dreamy dates he decided to confess he lived with someone and that he had a daughter. He seemed really sad. He was never mean about his wife, he was just visibly bored and he said he didn't plan to leave her because they had lived many things that attached them, he didn't promise me anything, he didn't offer me anything, he just wanted a relationship, he even said we could leave sex off, he said he was very happy with me, just chatting. It ached me to see his attitude. This is the first time I actually care for the wife. Sample 2 is more complex than the others. He has me hooked in many levels. His father left them for another family and it seems the off spring of both women even mingled. He hated his half-brothers and he punched them constantly. He witnessed a weakened mother who was left alone to struggle to make ends meet and raise three children. He had to work to study a career and he has succeeded, but he feels hatred for his father. He seems confused about what he wants. He doesn't want to brake anyone's heart, but I'm afraid he is just collecting hearts to brake, including his. It feels as if he is ready to flee any minute. He just wants to leave everything and start afresh somewhere new. Right now I'm not so sure he is so mean as I was when I started writing this. I must confess complexity is quite attractive for someone like me.
LOVER WANTED
Se busca lector asiduo. De literatura, acaso de filosofía. Lectores de libros de auto ayuda absténganse.
Se busca amante aventurero que se atreva a amar a una sola mujer de mil -o más- modos diferentes.
Se busca uno alto, bajo, delgado, gordo, de buen corazón y mejor talante.
Se busca atleta que se rehuse a ver deportes desde la cama con botanas.
Se busca emprendedor que sepa lo que quiere y vaya por ello sin esperar a que la oportunidad toque a su puerta.
Se busca víctima que haya sufrido, pero que haya aprendido, y siga adelante.
Se busca trabajador incansable que también sepa descansar y gozar sin hacer absolutamente nada.
Se busca degustador de café negro, cerveza oscura y chocolate oscuro.
Se busca bebedor excesivamente moderado de whiskey, vodka y vino.
Se busca contemplador de amaneceres ocasionales.
Se busca dormilón profundo a causa del cansancio del buen amor.
Se busca amigo de animales: de gatos, perros, niños y adolescentes inquietos y odiosos.
Se busca repartidor obsceno de caricias, besos y abrazos.
Se busca inquisidor e impulsor de sueños, ambiciones y proyectos.
Se busca apoyo de libertad.
Se busca amante aventurero que se atreva a amar a una sola mujer de mil -o más- modos diferentes.
Se busca uno alto, bajo, delgado, gordo, de buen corazón y mejor talante.
Se busca atleta que se rehuse a ver deportes desde la cama con botanas.
Se busca emprendedor que sepa lo que quiere y vaya por ello sin esperar a que la oportunidad toque a su puerta.
Se busca víctima que haya sufrido, pero que haya aprendido, y siga adelante.
Se busca trabajador incansable que también sepa descansar y gozar sin hacer absolutamente nada.
Se busca degustador de café negro, cerveza oscura y chocolate oscuro.
Se busca bebedor excesivamente moderado de whiskey, vodka y vino.
Se busca contemplador de amaneceres ocasionales.
Se busca dormilón profundo a causa del cansancio del buen amor.
Se busca amigo de animales: de gatos, perros, niños y adolescentes inquietos y odiosos.
Se busca repartidor obsceno de caricias, besos y abrazos.
Se busca inquisidor e impulsor de sueños, ambiciones y proyectos.
Se busca apoyo de libertad.
Thursday, 10 July 2014
RESOLUTION
I can't avoid the thought flow. I can't avoid remembering. I can't hurt like I was hurt. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but I'll end this relationship. I'll just let it die cowardly by just not doing a thing to keep it alive. I texted the last thousand kisses from my part. He hasn't answered yet. He will. I won't answer. I won't ask him when will we meet again. I won't insist. I might not resist for long, but then again may be I will. I'm not even sure this is love. Who am I kidding? It's not. It's totally different. It had it's peak, now it's declining. I must confess it was a rather short addiction.
I need my really major dose from across the sea. I know I won't have it anymore, but once I did, and then I was really happy. I hope he is.
I need my really major dose from across the sea. I know I won't have it anymore, but once I did, and then I was really happy. I hope he is.
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
MISSING YOUR SWEET THOUSAND KISSES
If I die because you haven't texted me, how will I feel later?
Tiene razón, Mau. Soy de comunicarme y si no te comunicas esto no va a funcionar.
¡No! Really? As if I didn't know this is so headed to disaster.
Tiene razón, Mau. Soy de comunicarme y si no te comunicas esto no va a funcionar.
¡No! Really? As if I didn't know this is so headed to disaster.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
