And yesterday I got a message from Sean in FB telling me he hadn't signed the final divorce papers because he had chickened out. Quite out of context I know, but striking. I felt cheated, disappointed, sad, broken hearted and everything a good Romance heroine should feel before the great obstacle. The question is to forgive or not to forgive.
Many were my reactions --I thought about sending him directly to hell, to be mean and make him suffer and pay each and everyone of the tears I shed for him, to accept his apologies only under certain conditions, to accept him without delay or any further explanation or... or. And then I remembered. I cheated on him and I didn't tell him, I even enjoyed it, I even provoked it. Who am I to point at him and look down at him? After all he told me the truth, not exactly on time, but he did. He risked everything we have (whatever that might be) by telling me the truth which I asked for in the first place. They say that if you can't resist the truth better not ask for it. I cried, yes, I suffered, yes, but...guess what? I didn't die. And guess again... I still love him, or the idea of him loving me. Am I generous or on the contrary plain selfish? Do I love him or do I love him loving me? He has been in contact, desperate and quite lonely. He is suffering and I am glad, not because he suffers, but because he is not a cynical man who said, "So there, take it or leave it." He really does care. And I don't want him to suffer, but I need to know what I need. Is love related to what one needs?
Ana says I shouldn't take any drastic decision, that I should keep the friendship, but try and go out with some other guys here in Mexico. She might be right. Would I like him to do that? I know I am not in the best moment to take any decision because I am in my period and I don't think clearly, I react. I have to wait to be less passionate and more rational. In the meantime I write and talk. As Luz Aurora used to say, "The more I explain, the more I understand." And I do, I'm getting the whole picture, or well, maybe just a glimpse. I miss Seany, but I was growing dependent on him, I need to know if I really love him and for that I need to touch him, I need to be without him for a while to see if I can live by myself. I need to be happy with who I am before being happy with anybody else. I have removed the earrings he gave to me and now I am wearing my golden loops with pearls that my aunt Lydia made for Ame. I need to be available, but not 100%, I need to have a life of my own and not a life spinning around him, ordered to suit his moods and schedules. I need to love myself in order to love him even more.
I miss him terribly. I want him back now. I want to sleep hugging him tightly, snuggling and cuddling warmly and lovingly.
I can't hide the fact that our relationship is mostly based on fantasy and that maybe, when we finally meet, we won't stand each other and all this love will be a wonderful joke. That's a possibility. I know I can't stand how much he depends on the acceptance of people, I know I am too selfish. There will be things he won't stand about me. Will this love survive? Will this turn out to be real love or just a fantasy made to survive some hard years?
Once again, stay tuned.
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