THE REBOUND

I love common movies, commercial ones, Hollywood classics. "The Rebound" is such a movie, with this new tendency I find so fascinating about MILFs or cougars or whatever. I was one and I find these films touching. It reminded me of so many things. It was well structured, lacked a bit of imagination in some situations and it was terribly fantasious in others. It has a happy ending. After years where they both grow older, mainly the guy, they meet again and the story suggests they live happily ever after, even his parents give in to the relationship. It doesn't happen like that in real life. MILF or cougar love stories have an ending, happy, sad, but never together forever. I should know.

FAMILIAS

Sin una familia, el hombre solo tiembla con el frío. --Criminal Minds.

Sí dijeron quién lo dijo pero no pelé. Pero me dejó pensando. Seguro fue un hombre quien lo dijo, porque usa la palabra "hombre". Y sigo pensando. ¿Qué tan cierto es? ¿Es lo mismo una familia que una red? ¿Tus amigos van a responder del mismo modo que tu famlia? ¿Por qué escribo en español si siempre escribo en inglés? Mmm, da igual. El punto es, ¿qué tan necesaria es una familia? ¿Para qué? Vi "Fireflies in the Garden" traducida como "Retrato de Familia". Nada fuera de lo común: una madre pasiva y cariñosa pero no muy valiente ante un padre impositivo, loco, inseguro y que hace sentir su poder sobre un pobre niño indefenso por su edad. Este niño crece intimidado y se convierte en un escritor lleno de rencor y muy chafa. Cuando por fin decide escribir algo serio, es sobre estos aspectos nefastos de su familia. Lógico, su exorcismo. Pero ante la muerte de su madre y varios descubrimeintos y cierres de ciclos decide quemarlo y no lo publica por no perjudicar a la familia. Mmm, creo que fue cobarde. El punto es, de nuevo, ¿qué onda con la familia? Todos tenemos una, todos salimos de una y aquí en nuestro México querido, las familias son exteeeeeeeeeensas, incluyen tíos, tías, primos, abuelos, etc. Y me atrevería a decir que es más matriarcal que patriarcal. Sólo nos unen los apellidos impuestos por los hombres, pero en realidad son las madres quienes nos han impuesto un modo de pensar y actuar, bueno, tal vez no.

Con el accidente de mi hermano redescubrí a mi familia. Tenemos oscuros secretos a voces y nos queremos y nos ayudamos y no nos toleramos por momentos. Y es curioso porque tanto Marco como yo vivimos solos y somos felices. ¿O no? Ayer que vino --¡mi hermano vino a mi casa! wow-- me dijo que el accidente lo había hecho comprender que ya era suficiente de estar solo, que a fin de cuentas él sentía que era natural vivir con alguien y no morir solo. Me dijo que quería a Alma y que le había propuesto vivir juntos. Me gusta que no nos consulta qué hacer, nos platica las decisiones que tomó. Y yo también. Hace unos días, meses quizá, que vengo pensando eso, ya estuvo suave de estar sola, pero no por no querer estar sola, me gusta estar sola, pero quiero estar con Sean. Quiero cuidarlo, cocinarle y escribir. Sé que América va a estar bien. Sé que tenemos una buena relación y que si nos quedáramos juntas nos dedicaríamos a pelear y ni ella ni yo queremos eso. Vernos en vacaciones será mejor. Y quién sabe, quizá algún día vaya a estudiar a Inglaterra. No se trata de estar harta de dormir en una cama medio vacía, no se trata de extrañar hacer el amor y caer dormida, se trata de dormir en los brazos cariñosos de Sean, se trata de platicar y de reir, se trata de ir al súper a comprar la comida, se trata de ver cansados la televisión, se trata de lavar las verduras, se trata de compartir la vida. La familia se trata de compartir secrertos oscuros y momentos luminosos.

DON'T LIKE IT WHEN THINGS DON'T GO MY WAY

I need many things, but the most important for inner peace is certainty. I know I can't control everything in my life, because many things that affect me are out of my control or even out of my reach. I must understand that living a long distance romance based on technology is not easy and not typical. But I deeply hate it when there is no communication. All my basis for joy and self-control crumble down when he doesn't appear on the screen or when there is no text or even a small message on facebook. My fantastic mind, or rather, tend-to-fantasy mind starts whirring and making up stories which I don't like. I just wish him to text me or facebook me telling me he loves me and that's it. Dependency leads to despondency.

JOY

Joy is knowing the people you love, love you and are ok.

UPS AND DOWNS IN A SINGLE WEEKEND

Thoughts, reflexions, what might be, what could be, what could have been, what will be?

Friday changing schedule let me time to think and reorder, to fully appreciate what I have and how to keep myself surviving for some more hours before having money. How to change my schedule without sabotaging anything at all.

Saturday viewing that families are all alike --they all have their disfunctionalities and their way of working and supporting each other. Everybody works together and everybody criticizes something or other, but at the end everybody loves everybody. And home will always be home, and my bed will always be the best place to sleep, regardless of the comfort of any other bed. It showed me the importance, the luck of being who I am and made me wonder how much is the product of our own decisions and how much is one's life affected by our surroundings, our family, our parents and many other factors, many other ifs as Michael says in "Fireflies in the Garden".

Sunday and many days and many readings before told me that you never know what will happen, how things will turn in a moment. Mau and I know, by self experience on other's head, to avoid drinking and driving at night. Everybody knows it's not a good combination and people keep doing it, always convinced it's not going to happen to them. My brother. My wise and careful brother had an accident and although he was unharmed, the girl with him wasn't. This is a tough time for my mother. And all I can do is write. I got no money. I got no influence.

But I got a text. I'm Sean's ideal of a Sunday, walking in the park and curling on the sofa.

Life is so weird.

WHY I EXERCISE

Because I don't want to run out of breath while making love.

THE UGLY TRUTH (film)

GOOD DREAMS GRANT GOOD DAYS

Today is Thursday, Snooker day, therapy day. Today I don't chat with him, I talk about him and about other things. I'm moody. Last session I was. angry, now I am elated. Yesterday was a glorious day. It is always like that when I chat with him. But besides that, I had dreamed about him! That was a real bonus. Feeling his lips on mine, the wetness, the freshness, the tremor in my skin. Waking up to grasp the air, to realize I was bitting my own lips did not make me feel disappointed but inspired to make it real. I told him and he also wanted it for real. He told me our place would be as the place I had dreamed about. Our place. He said "our place". The rest of the day flowed on beautifully, no cancelled classes, no rain on me, food, sleep. Everything perfect. Today I don't know, it's been ok, so far. Surely he will text me when the session is about to end. And if he doesn't, tomorrow we'll chat :) Life is good.

A GOOD WAY TO GET DRUNK

Really, I can't think of a bad one. I like getting drunk, rather tipsy, with red wine, whiskey or vodka. Mojitos are the exception to drink rum and together with good music and plenty of dance, why not? Beer at the Balkan beat is nice too. But I'm not discussing alcoholic drunkness.

A good way to get drunk is through the eyes of one's lover. When he drinks you, you get drunk... by him. Isn't it a good way to get drunk?

MOODY HORMONES 2

And once again, what started ugly turned pretty. After the meeting cancellation in the late morning I got a sweet text early afternoon telling me that Seany had told his boss he had to leave work at 5.00 tomorrow. Up till now all men I had met were afraid to tell their bosses whatever in order to be with me, it had always been the other way, they yielded to them no matter what they had promised me. How can anybody NOT love Sean?

MOODY HORMONES

Are to blame for my ups and downs. Aren't they? Or am I bi-polar? Or life is testing me or what? Whatever, I'm fed up with things apparently going well and suddenly gone berserk or the contrary. It's not fun. I don't like planning for glorious mornings just so a meeting spoils everything. I hate getting ready for a working proposal only to get a text saying, "Sorry! I forgot!" I'm fed up with people always cancelling on me because... whatever. I always move my plans to fit into someone else's and nobody seems to have the least bit of respect for dates, appointments or plans.

AND... I am the one who sounds wrong, who sounds like a crazy lunatic raving for, demanding, respect. I don't get it. I'm terribly angry. That's all.

RECIPES

I might start a blog on recipes. It's a good way to carry them wherever I go. Today I started on facebook with black beans.

SUNNY PICTURE OMENS

My brother used to say, when we both were younger, that there were days when the sun seems a hot-cake add, just like in a picture, sunny and shinny, but not warming at all. Today is one of those days. Sun is up, smiling its shine upon a blue day, but not casting its warmth. I wonder if that represents something. Things are not what they appear. I have plans for today and so far it has been a nice day. Wake up not so late, stayed in bed reading a couple of chapters before getting on Skype to chat with Maru, getting a seanytext as soon as we finished--a happy text that made me laugh joyfully-- and now a day that invites to wash clothes. Mmm? A day that invites washing clothes? Why should that be something good? Because I get to wear freshly washed clothes during the week, and because I don't have to wash them a day before wearing them! Last few weekends have been so cold and cast with ominous clouds I couldn't tear appart from bed, therefore having to wash barely a day before wearing the clothes which caused me stress! Afternoon vaccuming because my vaccum came back from the dead; correcting thesis, at least two chapters to show them to Charlotte on Monday.

Evening at Sanborn's discussing wih Carmen a possible job (won't say more to avoid jinxing it), and then closing the day with wine Chez Moi with Mau. Hahahahaha, I love my "stressfull" life!

FRIDAY

And sometimes the generated expectation was bigger than the actual happening--nothing, or well, not what was expected, happened.
I still haven't learned to live without expectations, without planning. Then again, why should I? Whatever.

THURSDAYS

Best thing about 'em is the expectation they generate over Fridays.

ODIO QUE MI HIJA SEA UNA ADOLESCENTE

EL GRITO

También en estas noches se ve cómo ha pasado el tiempo.

De niña mi abuelo hacía pambazos y organizaba una cena donde iban los Cirinos. Los pambazos los envolvía en papeles de China de colores vistosos. Mi mamá no nos dejaba oír música en inglés, ni ver películas en ingés ni nada en inglés. Era noche de Pedro Infante y Javier Solís. Luego veíamos el grito en la tele. Luego se murió mi abuelo.

Con mi papá íbamos a le delegación de Miguel Hidalgo a ver los puestos de comida, de bromas: de bigotes y huevos llenos de confetti y harina --que mi papá detestaba pues se le hacían de pésimo gusto--, de pestañas postizas y apuestas con canicas. Comprábamos pambazos y luego volvíamos a la casa a ver el grito en la tele. Luego se murió mi papá.

Luego de adolescente íbamos los primos a Coyoacán: Samantha, Jaime, Juan, Judy, Gaby, Marco y yo. Comíamos, comprábamos bigotes, pestañas y sombreros. Llovía y no íbamos a la casa de mi tía María a cenar y a ver el grito en la tele. Luego se murieron mi tía María y mi tío Alberto.

Con Rafael íbamos a la delegación benito Juárez, enfrente del Parque de los Venados a lo mismo. A veces había cantantes y siempre quemaban un castillo de fuegos artificiales. Ahí veíamos al delegado gritar y gritábamos con él. Luego íbamos a casa de Carmen a cenar pozole. Una vez fuímos a Coyoacán y me estafaron en las apuesta de canicas cien pesos. Me divertí. América era pequeña y le gustaba ponerse la s pestañas postizas tricolor. No se ha muerto n América ni Rafael. Ni modo (Rafael, digo)

Hace unos tres años cenamos en casa de mi mamá. El menú varía según su antojo. Pero siempre subimos a la azotea de su edificio a ver los fuegos artificiales de todas las delegaciones y creo hasta del zócalo. Luego bajamos y vemos el grito en la tele. Y segumimos vivas. ¡VIVA MÉXICO!

MOVING ON

And as I have been on the ground for so long the only way is up, but slowly, to enjoy the trip.

THE JOYS OF READING

Last night I went to sleep with a book. Today I have no classes, so I started the day reading until I finished the book. In bed, warm, while the cloudy cold wrapped the day outside. In a few minutes I'll start reading the next. I'm an addict.

MAD MONKEYS

Mad mokeys swing from trees and have to steal things because they are not allowed to have bank accounts and they don't have pockets to keep their money. What is politicians pretext?

7 DE SEPTIEMBRE

mecano. canción. cumpleaños. división. recuerdos que ya no duelen pero aún así siguen ahí y me hacen sonreír con cierta melaconlía, aunque ya no sé por qué.

WRAPPED IN BED SHEETS

Covered all day long, peeping eyes to watch the warm, soft light coming through the closed new curtains.

HEADACHE/HEARTACHE

Haven't slept for three nights in a row. Too much to think. Nothing happens. Nothing moves. All is stagnant. Is it before moving up?

DESPONDENCY

I'm growing fed up with arriving to an empty bed every night...

CHANGES

Everybody is changing schedules, cancelling classes. I don't panic, I'm sure a big change is coming and things are setting for it to happen.
Big panic: What is that BIG change?

INFORME PRESIDENCIAL

¿O sea, desde cuando el informe se da el 2 de septiembre, perdón?

WICKED WEDNESDAY

It was not, it just sounds nice, like Manic Monday. It didn't start nice, though. Or well, it started normal, but then I received the wicked text:

Hi my sweet darling. Cant make it 2nite. Working late :-(. Just keep me in ur
heart...and keep on giggling. I love ur laugh. It keeps me alive. Big wet
kisses. Seany xxxxxxxxxxxx [10:30:04]

Ok, maybe it's not that wicked, but I hate receiving cancellation texts. They make me sad. Although, how can I not smile with such words?

ENJOY THE SILENCE

It depends....